Speaking of delaying orgasm

Sometimes some guys spurt too soon. Now, "too soon" is subjective, and as long as all concerned are satisfied, there's no reason to fret.
by Simon Sheppard
But if you find your partner repeatedly lying there with your puddle on his belly and an "Is that all there is?" look on his face, you might want to consider ways to slow yourself down.

Folk wisdom has it that the way to retard orgasm is to think of something that's a turn-off, like Dr. Laura. But science tells us that's exactly wrong; the best tack is to focus attention on what your body's doing, not attempt to ignore it. Try getting to know your dick - the homework is fun. Get yourself stiff, preferably without lube, and masturbate slowly and gradually, paying close attention to how your body feels at every stage of arousal. See what sensations push you over the edge, and practice delaying your orgasm for longer and longer periods. When you know you're getting close, stop stroking, breathe slowly and deeply, and try staying on the edge without blowing your wad. When you learn what that place feels like, you can learn to stay there longer.

If you've got a patient partner, he can help in the quest. Don't be tense, and maintain awareness of just where on the cum cycle you are. When you get close, pull out or otherwise physically pull back and relax. And don't forget those deep breaths.

You might also try the "squeeze technique" the good doctors Masters and Johnson came up with. Wrap two fingers around your cock, to either side of the ridge at the bottom of the head, and squeeze fairly hard for several seconds until the urge to come goes away. If your partner's lending a hand, he should press his thumb against the cute little flap of flesh right below the head, but doing this single-handedly can lead to a sprained wrist. And, if you'd rather, squeezing hard around the base of the shaft can do the trick, too. Some guys have also used a kind of pelvic muscle clench that, without hands, has much the same result, though it's a technique that's not all that easy to describe.

This being the modern age, there's also a technological fix, of course. A number of anti-depressant drugs have a not-always-so-desirable side effect: making it harder to come. A sympathetic doctor can prescribe low-dose therapy. Not only will the jizz flow more slowly, you might well feel cheerier, too.

Still, a non-medicated approach is generally best. Other possible orgasm-delaying strategies include putting a local anesthetic cream on your dick (while keeping it off your partner's) or using a model of condom that transmits less sensation - the ones billed as "extra strength" tend to be made of thicker rubber. Regardless of what you try, though, be aware that science has discovered that some guys just naturally are built to come sooner. (Wouldn't you have liked being part of that research project?)

As with all things sexual, there's no final "should" about things. "Premature ejaculation" is, after all, a relative term. If someone's okay with shooting sooner rather than later, and his partner's satisfied, too, it's no big whoops. But coming (and, as men generally do, starting to lose interest in the whole thing) doesn't absolve one of getting one's partner off. Word has it that straight guys are more concerned than we are about coming too soon because of a focus on vaginal intercourse and women's generally slower excitation cycle. But we queer guys are imaginative enough to get someone off in a myriad of ways, whether our own schlongs are hard or not, right?

Simon Sheppard is the co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power (Alyson Books).